I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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