i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
