When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
