i permit you to call me
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
