when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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