The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
