I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
True strength comes from lack of pants
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Randomize
