you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Randomize
