The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Who died my cat blue again?
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
