I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
