There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
