you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
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