I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
