I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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