I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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