Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
