I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
