so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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