During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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