That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
