I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Randomize
