Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Randomize
