so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
