wat bout pragnant strippers??
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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