Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Randomize
