I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Randomize
