I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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