Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
