Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Gayer than 8 guys blowing 9 guys
wow, that really makes you stop and think.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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