My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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