Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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