ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
