Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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