so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
