Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
