the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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