Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
