You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
