when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
