everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
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