allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Come see our sink grown plant.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Randomize
