Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
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you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
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How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I think my moral compass just broke
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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