I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Brb crying the tears of my youth
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
