i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I could fuck to npr.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Randomize
