True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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