When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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