I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
