haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
