you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
