The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Sext me about skeletons
Randomize
