I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
