Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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