why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
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