ya dads aren't the best wingmen
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
