Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I think I died a long time ago.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
