i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
My ass is underappreciated
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
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