sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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