i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!